i still think about you

i still think about you. not every day anymore, but in waves. when i’m watching a movie alone. when i hear something you used to say. when i remember how you called yourself my girlfriend, like it was the sweetest lie either of us agreed to believe.

you knew what i was going through. how lonely i was. how empty things felt before you. and then you arrived, warm and chaotic and sweet in all the ways i didn’t know i needed. and for months, i belonged to something. you gave me affection, comfort, late night texts that felt like shelter. the kind of attention that made me forget how replaceable i was to everyone else.

you broke me in ways i never admitted out loud. i still remember the night you told me about him. how you had slept with someone else while you were still talking to me, still calling me yours. you told me every detail like it didn’t matter. like i wouldn’t flinch. and i didn’t. not on the outside. i just swallowed the pain, smiled through it, and kept loving you like a fool who didn’t know better. but god, it ruined me.

and maybe that’s the part that hurts the most. i stayed. i stayed when i should’ve left. because you were the first person who made me feel wanted in so long, even if it wasn’t real. even if it was only convenient for you. you said you didn’t love me, but you liked me. like that was supposed to be enough. like that should’ve stopped my heart from breaking every time you pulled away and came back like nothing happened.

we shared so much. the secrets. the stories. the hours and hours of just... being. watching things together. talking every day like we meant something. we did things. crossed lines, blurred boundaries. you trusted me with parts of you most people never see, and i gave you all of me. and then one day, one argument, and you blocked me. like it never mattered. like i never mattered.

i don’t even think you remember me now. or if you do, it’s probably just a faint blur you’ve filed under “temporary.” but i remember everything. not because i want to. but because you were the last person i let that close. and no one’s come since. no one’s stayed. and i am very afraid to let new people enter my life as well.

maybe i was immature. maybe i shouldn’t have fallen so fast, or loved you so deeply without making sure you felt the same. i know i wasn’t perfect either. i must’ve hurt you in ways i never realized. i wasn’t easy to love. i know that.

i don’t hate you. i wish i could. it would make forgetting easier. but part of me still misses you. and that’s the worst part of all.